The game. After years of playing and the patient study of cricket (and with cricket there can be no other kind) I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game, that the introduction of a few small changes, wouldn't fix in a hurry. It is not true that we English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavours look interesting and lively; that is an unintended side effect. I do not wish to denigrate a sport that is enjoyed by millions of others, some of us awake and facing the right way, but it is an odd game. It is the only sport that incorporates meal breaks. It is the only sport that shares its name with an insect. It is the only sport in which spectators burn as many calories as player's (more if they are moderately restless). It is the only competitive activity of any type, other than perhaps baking, in which you can dress in white from head to toe and be as clean at the end of the day as you were at the beginning. Imagine explaining to a non-player how our cricket is played. The bowler after each delivery collects the ball from the wicket keeper, walks slowly with it back to his mark and there, after a minutes pause to collect himself, he turns and runs full tilt towards the stumps before hurling the ball at the ankles of a man who stands before him wearing a riding hat, heavy gloves of the sort used to handle radioactive isotopes, and a mattress strapped to each leg. Imagine moreover that if this batsman fails to hit the ball in a way that heartens him sufficiently to try and waddle sixty feet with mattresses strapped to each leg he is under no formal compulsion to run, he may stand there all day, and, as a rule, does. If by some miracle he is coaxed into making a miss-stroke that leads to his being put out, all the fielders throw up their arms in triumph and have a hug.
Umpires, the word 'umpire' originally meant something like 'one who is without equals'. This is comforting. Umpires are fine, upright characters who are prepared to stand for hours in the middle of a field giving difficult decisions which require the finest judgement. They are then, treated with suspicion, by players who know that their old grannies could do a better job. Unfortunately us weekend players are obliged to stand for a few overs each weekend as makeshift umpires, probably unfamiliar with the laws, even the most important ones . Much bad feeling is caused when temporary umpires apply what they think is the Law to batsmen and bowlers, who are sure they know better, when in fact probably neither party knows what it is talking about. Bats get thrown in dressing rooms, friendships suffer, and people are left out of rounds. Games can be spoilt like this. Perhaps on our new WEBSITE we could arrange a quiz on the points of Law, or scan the Laws onto the WEBSITE
Of course I have had no problems with Prospect Park umpires, They give decisions clearly and firmly, and are not be drawn into explanations, justifications and arguments at the time or later. But it is not unknown for some of our opposition players to assure our umpire's that they could "see it from here", and to offer other, fanciful, interpretations of the Laws for his benefit. All appeals, however frivolous, are taken seriously and answered politely. 'Not out' is the usual phrase, though I have heard 'Come off it, mate!' and 'Give it a rest !' from hard pressed umpires with a gift for repartee. Our umpire's only solace is that he is sure to be asked again next week because nobody else ever wants to do it. Away umpires, if the other team has there own umpire and he is going to umpire the whole game, as a captain you are in a difficult position, the only thing you can do is persuade your team to be nice to him, as you may get him later on in the season, perhaps, get him a drink in the bar later and talk about him. But, if at tea a member of the opposition turns up and offers to umpire, your stock replies should be, " No thanks we have a very good rota system" or "no thanks we have two blokes who have never done it before and they need the experience or " p-s off". Do not make the mistake of thinking, great, I do not have to find too many umpires. The reason is the opposition player has probably been dropped for this game, His wife made him go shopping, one of his kids were ill, he is injured etc, etc. He has probably just slipped out of the house with his wife's voice ringing in his ears; you play all season, and now you are still going out to watch your precious cricket. The point is as an umpire he is not in a good state of mind to make clear decisive decisions, after he is not playing today , and you are. So if you are batting and the ball hits you in the chest while you have both feet off the ground, and, someone appeals for a LBW decision, this umpire will give you out, indeed if the ball was to hit oppositions the wicket keepers leg, he would give him out as well. If however the opposition is batting you might as well concede the game and retire to the bar.
Captains are elected by their team-mate's, who respect them for their amiability, seniority, tactical awareness and qualities of leadership. This respect lasts well into the second week of the season. Then the captain will be revealed to his subjects for what they always thought; he was morose upstart who could not organise a round of drinks. However, a captain who knows the Laws and leads his team in accordance with them will have at least his self-respect left at the end of the season.
Advice this is an extremely delicate subject the advice you would like from players you most admire is not forthcoming (although you probably have not asked them) the most valuable advice you can get is from your captain. If you are lucky enough to open the batting, you are expected to know what you are doing. But that is not always true, how you feel is important a good state of mind is imperative. The telly is on the blink, your wife wants you home early to-night as mother-in-law is coming round, and your boss, the A---hole at work, needs that report by AM Monday and you left the draft behind on Friday night. All these mundane things must be banished from your mind. A word from the captain can help you focus your mind. A talk from the captain, to the opening pair is crucial, even if it's same advice every week, if you bat before tea you have that bit more time, so you would expect to hear, "play yourself in" or "do not make any rash shots, even if you get gift balls" "get in line" "get to the pitch of the ball" "what you do in your first twenty five minutes is vital" " Listen to your partner" keep an occasional your eye on the captain. A captain should know each batsman's flaws and his comments should prove helpful. "I know you have not opened before, but nobody else wants to do it will you give it a go" should be regarded with suspicion. The captain's talk to the later batsmen is even more vital as the game progresses and twists and turns, the batsman going in needs to know from his skipper, what he wants him to do. Pearls of wisdom like, "Play your natural game" or "see what develops" and the best one "just hit the bad ball" (these are the very balls that get you out). You need to know what to do, shut up shop or go for the runs, immigrate, find another club, something tangible.
Bowlers are emotional creatures, quick to applaud a generous decision but liable to take offence when the umpire ventures to disagree with them. Any number of painful misunderstandings could be avoided if the bowlers knew what the Laws really say and relied less on folklore. Advice again bowlers must get advice from there captain, it's a bit like being at work if you are 100% sure of what your boss really wants, you have no problems, and you can lead a stress-less life at work. If your unsure of what your boss wants, ask him, or you will end up going your own merry way, which might not be his way. Then you will not find out until your yearly appraisal, when its too late. So if you have a Fred the plodder in, and has been ther e for 1 ½ hours, and he is 48 runs short of his maiden 50 and you are doing your utmost to bowl him out, you need to seek your captain's advice. Anyway you will always have someone to blame, if it all goes wrong.
Batsmen are sensitive and suspicious souls who tend to question the legal basis of their dismissals on returning earlier than expected to the judicial calm of the dressing room. Knowing the Laws are of no comfort in these trying circumstances but that is no reason for not knowing them. It hardly seems necessary to say anything about that dreadful sound which the batsman hears in nightmares as well in real life, the smash of leather on wood. Loneliness descends upon the batsman who hears this sound. "Jesus Christ, what the hell happened there" you look at the umpire in case it was a no-ball, you also look at your partner for understanding and solace, but he is looking some other place. What a crap ball, it never left the ground, only three runs, and, I am not playing to-morrow, you begin the walk back to the dressing room, you notice your team-mates are not looking at you either (the reason none of your splendid team-mates are not looking at you, is because you played a crap shot). You are now standing behind your team-mates taking your pads off, they are all absorbed in watching the next batsmen striding to the wicket, and still not talking to you. It dawns on you they all really hate you, because, they could have gone in before you and done a much better job. You consider phoning the wife, but you realise that's not a good idea, she will only say you are to old to be playing anyway. So its back to the quietness of the dressing rooms where you can sulk in piece, besides, you can throw things about in there. You sit there in your solitude, a million thoughts going round in your head, what could I have done better, when are we playing them again, how did I get out, to such an awful bowler, three b----y runs. You hear the familiar sound of studs on concrete approaching, the dressing room door opens and a bat comes flying past and a voice says, B-----d bowler, you try and make sure your facial expression appears sad and understanding, how were you out?, " bowled" and how many did you get "a duck" the desire to throw your right hand into the air and shout YES is overpowering. You leave the dressing room as quickly as possible, but before you go, you have a quick look to make sure your team-mate is suffering as much as you were a few minutes ago.
I do not know why it is, but one or two low achieved scores over a week-end stay with you well into the evening's, you arrive home and your wife can tell by your face exactly how many runs you have scored. The agony spills over into Monday morning at work and on a very bad weekend it can seep into a Tuesday. By Wednesday you are considering playing again, but a phone call informing you that you are dropped, for the next game this can cause a serious relapse, this means at the week-end you could end up at a boot-fair or even worse Blue water. But Saturday arrives you get a call, Fred Bloggs, house has suddlenly exploded, the entire family can not get out of the cellar, but they are safe and you are playing instead of Fred, you are already dancing around the kitchen practising your off drive's. You then think who the hell is Fred bloggs, better get the address of the ground in case it is not my club.
Dropped catches The ball comes towards you, it sticks, the batsman goes and you know that this is the best game in the world and it's a privilege to be playing with such splendid team-mates. Put it down, and packing up cricket for good, cross's your mind, your second thought is, who can I blame, other than myself, and then a voice says " Head-up- Fletch," now I really hate this, because what the guy is really is saying you dropped it, but never mind that you have just lost us the game. You can only hope one of your splendid team-mates will drop an even easier one, so that yours can be quickly forgotten.
Fielders are fair-minded and sociable chaps who congregate at the fall of a wicket, or at the end of an over in which they think one ought to have fallen, to congratulate the umpire on his impartiality and keen eyesight, or to assure the bowler that the umpire is corrupt and visually handicapped, they see no inconsistency in this. There are all kinds of fielders , some bowlers tend to think when they have completed their allotted bowling spell and become a fielder, there is nothing more required of them, they have a problem facing the right way, they wander from there fielding position's, they catnap, the batsman hits a screaming shot straight at them and a look of disbelief appears on their face, the ball is 4 yards past them, and they stick there hand out, invariably on the opposite side to where the ball actually went. Then there is the fielder, lets call him Fred (F) who thinks you need his advice (nearly every ball) you begin your bowling spell, you negotiate with the captain what positions the fielders should take, you pace out your run-up, someone throws you the ball, you turn towards the batsman, and, a voice you know well, (F) shouts "Put it on the spot" or "Line and length" now you have been at work all week, just waiting for the week-end, you have probably been bowling for a few seasons, but (F) has realised for a long while that you really do not know what you are doing, do you go over to (F) and thank him for his valued advice, no, you hurl your first bowl down and the batsman dispatches the ball to the boundary. Now (F) is convinced you need his help and his comforting voice will follow you all afternoon and he will probably amass allies who will shout "better" in an effort to spur you on. Does (F) stop there, no, he now feels the whole team, are in need of his help , you are in your fielding position partially asleep, you have not touched the ball since the game started, you are thinking its only 3 PM and I have been here for hours (the game started at 2 PM) when suddenly the batsman loops the ball up, a very easy catch, the ball starts to fall, your feet are 18" apart, your hands are cupped, your eye is on the ball, your rock solid, and (F) shouts "catch it" he has known for some time that even though you have played all these years you have not grasped the fundamentals of catching a ball. (F) Now feels that everyone should benefit from his wisdom because he has grasped the fact that his team mates are morons, so you can expect him to, appeal from the boundary for Lbws, offer noisy encouragement, i.e. when you are chasing a ball to the boundary, (F) knows as you have your back to the pitch, you have forgotten which end the bowler and wicket keeper are standing, he also knows that if both batsmen are standing at the same end you will throw the ball to that end, and he knows without any doubt his verbal abuse will help you to become a better player.The end of the game is nigh, it's the last ball of the last over, their last pair is in, and they need 2 to win (your contribution has been a duck, given out LBW by "F" ) (F) decides to move closer to the bat for a catch, because he has already dropped two catches (because, the bowler had him too far back), the ball loops over (F) head for a easy two, (F) congratulates the batsmen on their brilliant win, and remarks, mind you that last ball was a really bad ball.
Is that the end of the day, No, because when stumps are drawn, BSs appear, every club have about four BSs in various grading BS1, BS2 etc, etc. BS1 being the most feared grading. BSs generally are quicker out of the changing rooms than other players. So there you are, slowly changing, with the game lost, you have had a "pair" for the weekend, you bowled like a D---head, you have to go to work in the morning, you are in a depressed state, your considering drowning yourself in the shower or going home early or killing (F) or having a drink, the drink sounds a real good option. You approach the bar on the look out for BSs, there's none about, you get in the queue, its your turn, the barman says, "what can I get you " you say two pints of, before you can say the word bitter! A voice says, "you no where you went wrong to-day don't you?" You look up and it's a BS1, you do not answer, there is no need to, because from now and for the next twenty minutes, BS1 is going to put you right, while, recounting his last twelve games run by run. You hear a voice (which sounds like your own) saying, would you like a drink. You look round for a seat in the bar which is in, a BSs free zone, and hope someone has done something useful to-day, and, they will send a bitter jug round. Are here's the jug, thanks a lot "well batted sir" (how the hell he got fifty I will never know) the end of another perfect weekend.
Fletch,
P.S. I really, would not change anything.